LOSERSISTER

ART HISTORY 101: DAVID TAKES A U.S. HOLIDAY

Neither Nostradamus nor the Mayan Calendar could predict the catastrophic effect of a 3 month museum loan of Michelangelo’s David:                                                                

                                                 

                                                                                       = 

THE BIRDS AND BEES

I was a very early bloomer.  10 years old, thank you very much.  I thought I was dying.  I knew I was dying. 

My mother was not prepared.  After what seemed an eternity, she motioned me to come upstairs for a private talk.  Scapular entwined around my fingers, I ascended the stairs awaiting my doom. 

THE TALK lasted about 5 minutes:  Something, something, body, YOU, baby, breasts, nature, boys, ARE, something, love, pregnancy, touch, NOT, blood, kotex, bras, marriage, DYING. 

WAIT.  I’M NOT DYING?  Cancel the priest.  pheeeeeeewwwwwwwww.

My Mom then asked if I had any questions.  ”No,” I said, and that was the end of the discussion.  Class dismissed. 

You see, I knew how babies were born because I was a proud member of the kid’s BMOC. That’s the BOOK OF THE MONTH CLUB of Garden City, New Jersey. 

A recent BMOC flyer featured a science book which explained that new life begins in the brain. It all begins as a signal, one cell at a time, until the baby is large enough for birth.  Of course! It’s simple science. Mystery solved. I don’t need the book. Those guys in Garden City are geniuses.  

Normally, I questioned everything, but not this.  Some things you’re just not ready for. My natural inquisitiveness collided with my budding internal disaster sensor.  A few years later, my best friend gave me the REAL scoop.   It was an elaborate multi-media presentation.  She had a special pamphlet AND the Encyclopedia Britannica.  Plus, her parents had Playboy magazines hidden in their room.   I was shocked.  You have to be kidding me.  I need cake.

LESSONS LEARNED:  

• Nature is cruel.
• A little knowledge is a little knowledge.
• Headlines, like Cliff Notes, don’t tell the complete story.

UNLEASH YOUR INNER LOSER

FRIENDS:  COMMENT is up and running.  It’s found at the bottom of each post.  Feel free to chime in.  I welcome your input.

Time to shed your glasses and jump into the deep end.  Nose clip is optional.

PUTTING ON THE DOG: LOSER SISTER STYLE

Rare in nature, a seismic event of great magnitude occurs, forcing a shift in the earth’s axis.   It was a Saturday night, and the Loser Sister had a date.  With someone she really liked.

I decided to go all out and wow him by wearing a dress.  I retrieved a cute little number from the back of my closet, set my hair, swiped on some mascara and blush, and was ready to go. How adorable.  Who could resist my charms?  He has no chance……

Not so.  

Sometime during the primping frenzy, my internal disaster sensor malfunctioned.  I forgot that my legs were riddled with flea bites from a houseguest’s dog.  As the night progressed, the Bendryl wore off.  I spent a majority of the time furiously scratching my legs, blowing my nose, and gasping for air.  Very endearing.

The flea bite incident casts a new dimension on “putting on the dog.”  

Thanks Bearpaw.  Woof.

LOSERSISTER QUESTIONNAIRE: Page 2

The following is the second installment of the LOSERSISTER QUESTIONNAIRE.  Page 1 can be found in the November 1rst “ASK LOSERSISTER” post.

You MIGHT be a Loser Sister if:

• Does your hair have a life of its own?
• Do you have protrusions on your feet?  Bunions?  Hammer toes?
• Do you routinely wear sensible shoes? Geriatric looking sandals?  Sometimes with socks?
• Do you have broken capillaries on your nose? Hair in strange places?
• Is your closet stuffed with clothes but you wear the same couple outfits? 
• Do you spend a lot of time in the FEMININE CARE aisle at the drug store?  FOUNDATION section in a department store?
• Do you attract weirdos?
• Did you have an unusually early or late puberty?
• Do complete strangers divulge their life story to you?  On the bus?
• Can you find constellations in your freckle patterns?  Road maps on your legs?

Having at least 3 YES answers demonstrates possible LOSERSISTER potential.

ANTHROPOLOGY 101: SISTERS

JAPANESE SISTERS:

There’s an interesting cultural difference between us and the Japanese regarding sisters. The word for “sister” does not exist in the Japanese language.  It is more specific. There’s a word for older sister: Oneesan, and a word for younger sister: Imoutosan.

I doubt there is a translation for “loser sister.”

THE RECIPE

The Loser Sisters hold these enterprising spinster sisters in high esteem:

“THE WALTONS:”  BALDWIN SISTERS 

It took years to perfect the balance and bouquet of the Baldwin Sisters’ special moonshine recipe.  A favorite of many a gentleman caller.

**********************************************************************************

“ARSENIC AND OLD LACE:”  ABBY & MARTHA BREWSTER 

One of the Brewster Sisters’ favorite charities catered to the sufferings of lonely old bachelors.  A recipe of Elderberry wine spiked with arsenic, strychnine, and a “pinch of cyanide” did the trick.   

***************************************************************************************

THE LOSER SISTERS have spent years tweaking their special recipe.   I’ve personally gone through 5 blenders in the process.  Ice, strawberries, vodka, more vodka….throw in a banana for good measure.  There’s a saying that:  ”What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” In this case, it refers to the blender.  Someday I hope to endorse a blender with the “Loser Sister Seal of Approval.”  

HISTORY 101: SISTERS

                                

THE ORIGINAL LOSER SISTERS:

The Graeae, or three Gray Sisters in Greek mythology demonstrated true loser sister qualities.  They were fair-faced and swan like, but were endowed with gray hair from the day they were born.  They shared one eye and one tooth. Pretty. The eye tragically was stolen by Perseus, who ransomed it in exchange for information about Medusa.  He later threw it in a lake. Talk about bad luck. (This trivializes the many hours I’ve spent on all fours searching for a lost contact lens.)

Even after being duped by Perseus, the Grays were described as beautiful and very wise.

One eye + One tooth = BEAUTIFUL?

I can only conclude that their publicist was a genius.

DANCE LIKE NO ONE IS WATCHING

My Mother opined that ballet lessons would “ruin my legs.” Maybe she knew some unfortunate dancers, or maybe this was code for “We cannot afford to send you to ballet lessons.”  She most likely assessed my lack of coordination and decided to spare me further humiliation.  

Most of my friends took some form of dance lessons: either ballet or tap.  I remember going to a friend’s basement where yellow shoe prints were pasted on the floor.  Just follow the yellow brick road and voila`:  You’re a dancing sensation.  Sophistication in the arts was lackluster in my neighborhood. We had to improvise. What we lacked in expertise was compensated by enthusiasm. Whoever had lessons would share her proficiency with the rest of us.  Remember this is ancient history, in the pre-video, pre-Google era.

Fast forward to the present.  Jane Fonda is at it again, touting exercise to ward off the ravages of aging.  In the ongoing effort to BE-LIKE-JANE, the Loser Sister takes Pilates and Ballet Barre to help with bone density and balance.  The hard work and fun has unleashed My Inner Muppet,  which bears a strong resemblance to a “Fantasia” dancing hippo.   

I wish my Mom could see it.  Dancing does not ruin your legs. Or your ego.